Free Up Energy for Your Vision: Sleep & Reap + Care & Repair + Love & Listen

What have you devoted yourself to: Dismantle racism? Transform education? Uplift health? Stop poverty? Save the planet? Prevent violence? Restore the arts? Manifest peace? All of the above?! 

Because the good work you do is stressful, you (like all social change leaders I know) are willing to sacrifice yourself. I want to help make it easier for you to embrace Level 1 of Tend & Befriend: Investing more in yourself. There is a payoff for you and your vision. 

I know the intensity of your work can be thrilling when there are victories – such as when a critical policy gets approved, your stakeholders’ success rate goes up, you win a big grant, or your support explodes online. But we’re all too aware that this chronic pushing mode of “fight or flight” is not sustainable.

As a refresher… Tend & Befriend is an alternate stress response to fight or flight. In my free guide I offer it as an alternate path for social change leaders like you to invest in themselves and their leadership. 

“Tend & Befriend seems catchy. Why had I never heard of it?” you might wonder. (Cue brief psych major geek out.) 

In 2000 a UCLA psychologist and her colleagues dug into decades of research on how we respond to stress. They found that the foundational research had only been done on men and their physiological responses. But when they expanded their view to include how women respond to stress, they found their cultural and familial roles were different from men’s. And so were their stress response strategies. At times of great external stress women were the caretakers who tended to the children. Their critical role was to protect, not fight; defensive not offensive; relational not adversarial. In addition, women weathered the stress in circles, in community, in connection. These social bonds – befriending – added needed support and resources. (The power of befriending is why my course is called “A Transformative Circle”.) 

Over the generations women have moved into societal leadership roles. Structures where a lot of social change leaders work – nonprofits/NGOs, education orgs, government, foundations, etc. – can be highly masculinized, and sometimes militarized. So this idea of fighting is not only the habit – it’s the engrained culture. It’s the glorified choice. I’ve been pained to hear clients describe the rules of engagement in where they work as “toxic masculinity”. Their critique is not about men. It’s about dominant culture practices that still assume we can successfully pursue missions intended to uplift through practices that tear us down. You know it doesn’t work. It is possible to notice these patterns and to consciously unlearn them… starting with yourself before you try to change your context. 

In perpetual fight mode, we deplete our own life force. We reduce the energy at the ready for our change work. That’s why we must start with investing in ourselves as social change leaders. 

So. What can we do instead? With specific intentions, we can turn “Tend and Befriend” toward ourselves. We can start with one simple, loving intention do something else. As I’ve worked with nonprofit and visionary change leaders over many years, I hear similar stories of the weight of the cause and the patterns of self-sacrifice. As a result, I’ve narrowed down the solutions and supports into three memorable categories.

Here are some examples to prompt your reflection: What are you drawn to do for you?

• Sleep & Reap
  • Rituals before sleep to clear the mind so work mode is set to off and sleep mode is set to on.
  • Enough good sleep consistently in the best sleep window for you. 
  • Setting a “bedtime intention” that you not only wake up restored but that you receive whatever insight or solution you are seeking.
  • Intentional focus in the very first moments as you awaken in order to seed what you want to grow in your day. 
• Care & Repair
  • Foods and movement that make your body most happy. 
  • Returning to a favorite hobby or starting a new one. 
  • Offering or accepting an apology.
  • Facing a conflict – to learn and reconnect. Or, alternatively, walking away from one– to restart and recommit.
• Love & Listen
  • A few minutes of daily meditation. Simple silence and stillness. Let your cork float. 
  • Connections with your favorite nutritious people, animals, or nature spots.
  • Learning to listen to the wisdom of your body sensations. Bodies don’t lie.
  • Saying: “I love myself.” Repeating. Often. Every day. Especially when you don’t feel it. 

Now it’s your turn: What’s one specific intention you have to self-tend & self-befriend? What will the payoff be that makes it worthwhile? Join me on Facebook and share how you’ll reclaim your energy. I bet you’ll inspire yourself and others too!